Queasy

I am weird. I feel weird, anyway. Really weird.

I am not terribly unhappy right now, but I am not happy. I am lonely, but don't feel sad all the time or anything. Matter of fact, I haven't really even been able to muster up a tear lately...my cheeks are feeling a little abandoned. I think that would help me sort a few things out, a good healthy weep.

I dunno though. At the risk of being mocked--as I know that some of you already have! You smug, native butt--I feel rather moorless, like my base here is shrinking. I know that has contributed to this nagging sense of lonliness. I have like two friends left, neither of which are proving to be superb options for one reason or another: adequacy, availability, blah blah. I feel rather...reversed, I guess. More like right when I moved here, only less sad.

Less ravaged anyway, still some steady stream of a little sad. My most frequent company are dates, several of which were only the one date and thank goodness. Don't get me wrong, I have been in fine company. Filmmakers and artists and graphic designers, law students and stand-up bass players. A guy who designed the new Chipotle app for iPhone. All smart and interesting and some of them even interested in me! But it is just all too clear that mostly, across the board, I am trying to fill some loneliness hole, meet people I really want to be around, WANT TO, ya know? Like really desire to spend time with them. And that is just not that easy to find.

I just want really good company, I guess. Really good. And I spend most of my time hanging out with myself: somtimes excellent company, sometimes really a drag.

I have eaten up the 3rd season of The Wire, the 2nd season of Big Love, relived Season 1 of True Blood and 30 Rock, looked through grad school applications and written articles. But all in some weird non-committal haze, like this is not really my life. Like I am saving up for something, putting my nickles and dimes in a jar, and it has no bottom. I don't know where I am headed or what I will do or where I will be and if anyone will go with me. Might seem stupid or like I am borrowing trouble, but nonetheless...it is this fuzzy anxiety that blurs all the lines in my life.

What the fuck am I doing???

I am making weird decisions like I am on vacation or at summer camp or there will be some canned deadline that will signal a new chapter and I won't feel this way or act this way anymore. But time keeps passing--and not that slowly--and I just feel the same. I am clinging to some raggedy leftovers of something, or just sitting like a fat rock on riverbed, letting things just go by, I DON'T KNOW!

And I know I need to cut some things out. Because I'm certain I am alone in certain things, that I am setting myself up for a fall, that I am only hurting myself. I can't help it, it feels so...right.

Oh good, there go the tears. Seriously, though they fall through a racked and wrinkled up ugly face, and it almost hurts to let them go, it feels better.

I am a fool, to be sure. Foolish. A jester mocking of my own life, and my life is a fit of laughter and loathing in equal parts.

In lighter news, my job sucks less. My boss is respectful and nice and treats me almost like...an adult. Though I am sure that would change if he walked in my cube right now to find me blahging. In tears, at that. I sicken myself. ;) I am weak and self-indulgent. And I am sorry, for any of you who have stomached it so far.

In shorter items, that will not make sense to most:

Screw YOU if you don't want to talk to me anymore because I won't sleep with you.

Don't set your phone down in Ward Parkway. Ever. And if you do, have a major hissy fit.

Always ask for a last name from an unknown texter.

Back up your music and share it with people if they ask!

Bigger or, at least, better.

Check four times if you have the keys.

You are not a better person than me for thinking and acting differently and sancitmonious is unattractive.

BBQ sauce isn't a toy.

Don't be an asshole if you don't know the whole story.

Always do the allergy test.