I am nothing. I officially have been erased.

I can't keep not mattering to those that matter to me.

I just want one person to think I am great. To miss me and want to be with me. To want to sit with me in quiet. To wake up next to me. To hug me. To listen when I am sad. To give me a Christmas present. To think of me when he see things I would like. To text me even when he doesn't need to. To tell me I am cute and like having me around. I want someone to need me. To want me. To feel like I am important to them.

I just want someone to love me. It is so hard when I love and never get love. I empty and empty and empty, I pour and sacrifice and bleed. And no one even sees it.

It's like I live in a vacuum. The most tangible thing I feel is the empty space next to me.

You used to say that it was for you and me. That was our thing. Now I am just invisible. Ignored. Replaced. It is your thing now. It is just a thing that makes me hurt. One of an endless list of hurts. If every pain I felt were visible, open, raw, I would be immobile, quarantined. Ugly and maimed.

But that is only on the inside.

Lucky me.

I miss you so much today. So much more than I have in a while. I just feel...lost.

I miss you so much. So much. I am so lonesome here. I am so...misplaced. Displaced. Replaced. I hate place.

And I would just give my whole life for a little love. So pathetic. But I would just give anything to feel good again. To have...I don't know. You? You when? Who when you were who? What?

You never talk to me. You hardly respond. I am not even a person.

A nagging habit, at best.

I just wish someone wished I was with them. Missed me. Wanted to just...be. With me. Like I do.

God, I miss you. When will I not feel this hole?

We officially are not even friends. We don't speak. You don't miss me. We don't intersect.

Whatever I was is in total remission. Like a cancer that wasn't ever there.

Every song is dedicated to you.

I wish I could talk to you. I wish you wanted to talk to me. I wish I had not been removed like cancer. I wish it had not been cancer.

I wish.

I don't know what to do.

I miss you, I want to talk to you. I want you to want to talk to me too, though. I don't know how to be your friend. It is so confusing. But it hurts so much not to have you in my life at all. But it hurts so much TO too.

I feel miserable either way. What do I do? What do I do? If you dont want me around, please just tell me. Because then, there is no decision to be made. If it doesn't mean anything to you, matter to you, please just say! Please.

I don't know how to do this. It's done now. I am alone. It finally is where we said it was going.

Nowhere and nothing.

Breath. Breathe. Breathe. You can do this. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

Je suis désolé
Lo siento
Ik ben droevig
Sono spiacente
Perdóname

I've heard it all before
I've heard it all before
I've heard it all before
I've heard it all before

I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know
Please don't say you're sorry
I've heard it all before
And I can take care of myself
I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know
Please don't say 'forgive me'
I've seen it all before
And I can't take it anymore

You're not half the man you think you are
Save your words because you've gone too far
I've listened to your lies and all your stories
You're not half the man you'd like to be

I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know
Please don't say you're sorry
I've heard it all before
And I can take care of myself
I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know
Please don't say 'forgive me'
I've seen it all before
And I can't take it anymore

Don't explain yourself 'cause talk is cheap
There's more important things than hearing you speak
You stayed because I made it so convenient
Don't explain yourself, you'll never see

Gomenasai
Mujhe maaf kardo
Przepraszam
Sli'kha
Forgive me...

I've heard it all before
I've heard it all before
I've heard it all before
[repeat]

I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know
Please don't say you're sorry
I've heard it all before
And I can take care of myself
I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know
Please don't say 'forgive me'
I've seen it all before
And I can't take it anymore

I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know
Please don't say you're sorry
(Don't explain yourself cause talk is cheap)
I've heard it all before, And I can take care of myself
(There's more important things than hearing you speak)
I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know
Please don't say 'forgive me'

I've heard it all before
I've heard it all before
I've heard it all before
I've heard it all before

The last year of my life has been all for nothing. A huge investment, belief, a leap of faith into an empty bucket of all for naught.

I am leaden inside. My self-esteem is shot. I am deeply traumatized and unhappy. Totally invalidated and made into nothing.

Lonely and broken nothing.

I alienate the people around me, I struggle to feel ok. I need a win and can only feel completely collapsed under all of my failure.

And all for what? To be replaced, fast and thoughtless as a lightbulb.

And everyone else in this boat with me got out alive. Left me, marooned out there at sea, told that I was not worth saving.

And they never looked back.

It really is just like I never existed.

My friends are hers.

My love is hers.

My home is hers.

Your coworkers love her the same.

You love her better.

I have never even existed in the most important part of my life.

What does that make me?

Oh god, what do I do? What do I do. What do I do.

I dream about you most nights.

I wake up and dream, half dream, half believe, in making a good deep cut in my skin.

It is the first time in my life I understand.

How it might feel to want to feel...something else.

I am so traumatized. Violated. Emotionally raped. Beaten. It's true.

My self esteem is gone, I blame myself. I obsess. I relive. I grieve and moan.

Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

You are a bad person. A piece of shit. The things you have done...thing rationalization. You are criminal in your deceit. Epic in your lies. Mostly to yourself.

You are a BAD PERSON. A LIAR. A THIEF. A CHEAT. A FRAUD. A MURDERER. ABUSIVE!!!!! YOU ABUSE, USE, MANIPULATE AND SWINDLE EVERYONE AROUND YOU! YOU FUCKING FAKE!

If I say this enough I will believe it. It IS true. It has BEEN true. YOU ARE A COWARD AND A CRUEL, HATEFUL, SELFISH INFANT!

The only step now is for those around you to believe it. And good for you, duping some weak, naive, EQUALLY lying CHILD into loving you.

I wish you the best.

No, I honestly wish you were dead.

I know that, if something ever happens to you I would regret that. I will probably regret it tomorrow, anyway. But truth be told, I am ok saying it. I loathe you, you and your fuck and run. You fucked my whole life up and ran off with the spoon.

Not that you care, but

I AM NOT OK YOU StuPID SON OF A BITCH. AND IT IS YOUR FAULT!

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. You are a bad person. You don't deserve happiness. I don't deserve to be replaced. You don't deserve to be ok on holidays when all I have is pain. I have to remember how happy I was this time last year while you are just that happy this year you callow, self-indulgent sociopath. You half-man. You fucking shell of a human being. You cold, hateful, lying, weak piece of shit. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

I do NOT wish you both well. I wish you pain. I wish you would fail. I want you to break. I want you to have ANY FUCKING IDEA what you have done. Feel just one FRACTION of the pain you have inflicted.

I wasn't the one? WISH YOU HADN'T FUCKING TOLD ME I WAS FOR SO LONG! Wish you had FIGURED THAT OUT before a goddamn YEAR and my HEART and HAPPINESS fell victim to your fucking EGO! HOW COULD YOU?! HOW COULD YOU!? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?!

I would sell my soul to never have met you. I would give ANYTHING to erase you. I would give ANYTHING.

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you

I break a little bit every day. This city is littered with tiny shards of me, snapping off every few steps. Falling into the murky puddles.

In this city everyone is used to walking through everybody else's shit. Literally. On muggy days the whole island stinks of urine and trash.

I wouldn't feel so bad about adding to all the human debris in this crowded city, except for how much it hurts every time I lose a little more me.

What will be left if I ever manage to shed this?

I miss you.

I feel...confused. And sad. And dull. So unpretty. My insides don't shine anymore.

I wish I could start over. As a whole new person who didn't know the things I know. Feel things I do. Think the things I do.

I wish I was blank. Not so dirty. Not so old.

I wish...