Not a Titles Kinda Week

So, I keep intending to write things that aren't sad. That aren't even All About Eva. But it seems that I don't have the motivation unless I feel like crying. I think about it, I pick up my computer...and I am just too tired. Too bored. Too uninspired.

My life right now, honestly, feels terribly uninspired. For a few hours (blessed be, even a few days here and there!) I feel less in a rut, less disappointed. But it isn't lasting! I try to encourage it, hold on to it (I clean and decorate a cute new apartment, I read and have visitors and try to communicate with my friends, I ride my bike on occasion. I say to myself, just keep being productive! Keep being distracted!) But little things bleed in around the edges.

I clearly put something out there that is not myself. I feel like it is myself and if I change it I feel uncomfrtably NOT myself but people seem to like this Eva-thing that is out there and not so much dig the Eva they get once they get in there a little bit. This is discouraging. Like being jokey and loud and fun and--occasionally--outrageous, even a little inappropriate, I know, draws the sort of people that are only let down and bored and frustrated and unattracted to people who are a little damaged. Like whoa, whoa, whoa, I didn't sign up for THIS now did, I?

So what should I do? Amend my initial behavior? But these days, superficial happiness is the only kind I have! I have to cling to it! Recreate it! Ignore the sort of gnawing emptiness and feeling of widespread rejection that makes me stand in the shower for too long, not even soaping. Just staring and steaming. Thoughts kind of nowhere but really everywhere that it doesn't even take coherent thoughts to be.

Be missing you.
Be wondering why you ever came back, sort of, just to go away again.
Be wondering where your life has taken you.
Be giddy about nothing, really, hope placed in poor vessels just because I need some and the only place I have to store it is these awkward, ill-suited containers. Then reeling with slap-in-the-face when that backfires on me, too.

I don't know what to do with myself, honestly! Honestly, I don't. I am trying exceptionally hard to focus on the plus sides, the things I DO have (family family family! cute apartment! health! family!) and on looking forward to a better month (and believing it WILL be...but it isn't MUCH better), on putting positive energy into my life but I just feel too weak to carry this off! It takes so much work and then I have a tucker-out day and I spend it all crying in the airport on the way to my cousin's funeral and I am such a JERK, such a JERK to feel so sad when people have lost SO much more, and endured SO MUCH more than I have with much stronger faces.

Of course feeling guilty and pathetic doesn't, indeed, help me stop BEING a royal Jerkstore.

I need to be better person.

I sat in that service, with my whole weird family, and got to thinking what would be said at a funeral for me. I don't like what I came up with. Even the good stuff, I hate it. It's all the wrong sort of good stuff. Shallow. I don't think the tone would be of all that I had brought to the people around me. Laughter? Maybe. A positive to be sure, but just doesn't seem very...hefty.

Really, I just need a person. I need to be someone's person.

So, easy task number one: Find one person capable of love AND being loved and that doesn't get so blinded by my sassy, blustery, class-clown, swagger and fun self that they terribly mind my dark, sad, stubborn, insecure side. Preferably someone with some degree of both themselves, that I actually like.

Totally doable.

And it had been so long since I cried at work.