The Bitch of It

I may have been a little "all about me" too. You are right.

Fair enough. Sincerely.

But mine came from a different place. I gave to you. I gave and gave and gave and gave. I supported and read and edited and attended and churched and familyed and indulged and listened. I payed.

I gave too much. I gave till I had nothing left for myself. I need YOU to give it back. That wasn't part of the bargain.

And I suppose I got a little out of control with feeling insecure. Most of the time what I felt so bad about was silly and had nothing to do with me. But it rarely did have to do with me. And it was so. much. more. than "not wanting to spend every night with me." It was wanting to not spend the night all week. It was not wanting to spend the night with me or hang out with my friends. Or do things I was interested in or go to my grocery store or even give me conversation when we were fighting and I was sobbing and you. always. walked. away. It was you not wanting me to help anymore. It was you promising me one thing and not doing it...or hardly doing it. Doing it half-assed only bc I called and woke you up. It was about me trying to set aside, trying SO HARD (if only for a short while because then you DIDN'T cheat on me) to see your side and be more clear about my own feelings and more understanding of your needs. BUT YOU NEVER GAVE ME ANYTHING. You almost did. You talked about it. You thought about it. But when it came down to it, it was SO HARD to give in on those things that DID make sense bc it got so little recognition. What I DID FOR YOU was never even ackowledged. How much I DID adjust was just assumed. And that gave me SO LITTLE to fall back on when those things that "I should've understood" came around.

You should've understood.

You should've understood that actions speak louder than rarely spoken words. That I was never on my best game when I was fighting all that. And, even though I truly enjoyed doing those things for you, being at your place, doing your things, hanging with your friends and family, it should never be taken for granted. When it is, all I have to cling to is that you want me around. THen when you don't, no matter how justified the reason, how logical, all I feel is the don't. I am sorry I needed to be needed. I am sorry that I dealt with it poorly. I am sorry I loved you. That I am. I don't regret it, because it was true. I just wish it hadn't been.

And I suppose you're right, it doesn't matter now. Can't change anything. But my handicap is still with me. The damage from when you crashed my life can't just be undone. How I question myself and every action and word. The fear. The trust.

The uncertainty and nagging.

The bitch of it? You don't feel these things at all. It DOESN'T matter to you now. You CAN just let go. You DON'T have any permanent injury.

You were never really there at all.