Don't Read This, It's Stupid.

Caution: Mostly writing this for my own benefit, do not read on if you easily lose interest.


I need change. I need to change, I need to change things around me. I need to feel even remotely whole again. It has really been too long. To whatever degree I indulge in self-loathing (more and more, it seems, these days), I guess I have been trying to fix it, hide it, fill it in and spackle it with all the wrong things.

I let myself believe in too many half-hearted signs. I clung to all the moments that came strong but few and far between. I allowed my own loneliness, desperation, regret, fear, anger, hatred, insecurity, sense of humor, desire, adventure, openness and honestly to steer my right past reason and clarity.

I tried so hard to back up, move away, move on. Several times, how did this just keep happening? Keep coming back? If all those moments, if all that fun, if all that laughter and affection was just not sincere, then let it falter, leave me the fuck alone! Tell me the truth when I ask you those questions, don't let it fester, don't let it grow, don't make it a huge, swollen, hopeful heart you have to break.

You should have let it down long ago, when it was a small, tight balloon. Much harder to break.

And foolish, stupid me. Foolish, stupid, lonely me. So close to good enough to love, just not quite there. So close that people try, try, try, try, try to love me. Want to see it, wish they felt it, but don't.

If god exists, I am SO pissed at her. I asked for guidance, signs, help, direction. Please just let me know. Whatever the truth, just make it CLEAR! I said thanks for all the positives, was grateful for all the GOOD signs. And there were plenty! Couldn't those have just been cut out? Couldn't he have been man enough to shut it down LONG AGO? So many easy opportunities for it, would have taken only a SLIGHT spine. Crush me a little now, or a lot later? Good choice, buddy. What fun is it if you can't REALLY obliterate someone. Gonna fuck someone over, do it right.

Be too nice to say no, be too scared to admit, be too weak to cut em loose, have some real fun with em first, torture them, fatten em' up.

Like a lamb to the slaughter.

Something died. Some hope, some possibility, some part of me??? I don't know. I hope not. I like my optimism, I like my sentimentality, I like my dreams.

I don't like how I feel with they get put to death, but I hope, for my own sake, they just keep coming back. I hope my wounds scab and heal and leave the the same, only with a new scar. Scars are all right, they remind you where you've been.

But for sure I feel stagnant. I feel like quitting, leaving, moving. I want to get out and get away. At the risk of being Cher in Mermaids, when this town gets old and hard, I want to just leave it for a new one.

All of those things that seemed right, seemed going for me, none seem to be so much anymore. Nothing seems meant. All seems wrong. Forced, bent.

I want to pare down and build up, start over, start alone, move on, be different, forget a lot of the things that happened here.

I wish I had never met you.