Not one of the good days.

I just can't help it. What's left is just regular remembering things I wish I wouldn't, feeling sad, and missing so many things. And, really, feeling like you're the only person I would've wanted to talk to about how bad I feel.

But you made me feel this way.

You were my person.

But you weren't, really, I guess. I don't feel like anyone who really cared for me would do things that make you wonder what I have to wonder. You have made me look back at all that I was and you were and we were with new, skeptical vision. Was she just prettier than me? More fun than me? Smarter than me? What? What was it that blocked me out so easily?

It is silly and self-destructive and wretchedly painful to think these things but they creep in, first thing in the morning, when I wake up alone, in so many ways, again and again. Then they sit there on top of my heart all day. Sometimes I can ignore them, but other times it makes me remember how you told me you missed me when I wasn't around, and that you missed my face, and then wonder...why didn't you then?

Right when you meet people, it is all such a fantasy--all flirting and fun and no issues. You felt that way about me, once. I guess I let you down.

She won't always been fun, either, you know. You weren't all fun anymore. It was work for me, too. I met (and already knew) guys that were "cuter" or "more fun" or "better on paper" and who showed interest in me--and a lot who were none of the above, lol.

But you know, it just never mattered because, in the end (and through all the trouble and work and hardships--and all the laughter and support and love) I just wanted you.

It is so hard to know that you just wanted someone else.

It's like all that love was a lie.

What's wrong with me?