It's funny how you can make it one day, and not the other. It is unfair that the shock of absence turned out in a single day is limited to the experience of death, when really that outrageous stupefication can be applied to so many things. Things even that involve no one but yourself. A painful jolt of you, not being what you were or how you were or feeling how you thought you did. It is the hardest to avoid. That moment when you realize that, though you may have managed to ignore it for a while and taken the stillness for peace, your heart feels like a fraying ball of hard fiber, swimming in a pool of acid. Monday morning. Only 4 days left of this hell. Only 7 left of that larger hell. Pray god I make it past that and that it is not so brutal thereafter.




I found myself alone in my tornado-stricken (and by this I mean that I was the tornado, fueled by an incomplete attempt at beginning to pack away this entire life and move on to another one) apartment totally unconcerned that, in its current state, my apartment might easily be condemned. Rather, I was concerned that I found it so hard to get comfortable on my couch. To relax my neck muscles. To breathe deeply. To avoid thoughts of things that I know will only hurt me. I found it most alarming how many nuggets of truth and wisdom I found seeping out of my mediocre Sunday night programming, I even felt tempted to reach for a notebook. And what was I watching? My favorite: Bones, then some new vampire/other creature, sci-fi-fanatasy, sexy beautiful people pseudo drama that is new for the summer on one of my 6 English language channels.

A good business, like a good relationship, is outwardly boring.

When you love someone, you open yourself up to suffering. That's the sad truth. Maybe they'll break your heart. maybe you'll break their heart and never be able to look at yourself in the same way. Those are the risks. The thought of losing so much control over personal happiness is unbearable. That's the burden. Like wings, they have weight, we feel that weight on our backs. but they are a burden that lifts us, allows us to fly. - Bones, Ep. 4.26

Gross as that is, ain't it true. I told you I was taking serious, heartfelt lessons from my Sunday night programming. And it isn't even HBO. Like I said, alarming. I won't even tell you what I got from The Gates, it is so friggin pathetic. Let's just say I could relate to a certain romantic situation, and a certain character and he (and I) did not come out victorious. Oh ABC summer series, why??



And thus, in the fresh light of how deeply my sadness has infiltrated my thinking, and therefore my apparent taste in television...let me leave you with this:

There's only one thing that I know how to do well, And I've often been told that you only can do what you know how to do well and that's be you. Be what you're like. Be like yourself. - TMBG