Constant Dripping

This is absolutely the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

It shouldn't be, it should feel good to cut out a cancer from your life. But what if it was that same cancer that made your life brighter? Fueled your happiness and creativity. Made you more vibrant, brought out the best in you?

Then, rotted and turned you black inside. What then?

I feel alone and shelled, some good and happy part of me, just pulled out like an apple core.

I love you, you know that? It was the worst thing that ever came to my ears when you just said you loved someone else more. But thank you. Maybe now I can let go. Move on.

I don't see it being likely, or easy. But I have to try. And you made your choice, one I should've been capable of long ago, that you didn't love me enough. I wasn't your first choice. And I truly hate myself for feeling so gypped that I can't have you...who should want to be someone's second choice? The settle?

I guess it is just because I was so fooled by the way it all felt, looked. It felt like number one. It felt like this was special. It never FELT like this just wasn't quite enough.

But, now I have nothing. That for sure isn't enough. I am supposed to feel strong and freed and say things like, "I have myself and I know I am good person and that I can be happy and better off without you."

But that feels like shit. I miss everything about you. And I just pray that I can forget the feeling I got every time I saw you--a little lift, a small joy. Love! Maybe I can forget that the way people forget movie plots, as you watch, things seem familiar, you're sure you've seen it before, but you have no idea what happens next.

That way, you will always be in there, shrouded and vague. Soft and shapeless, so much less painful. I think that is the very best I can hope for, because surely, there is no way to totally get you gone.

Gone.