By this time I would've thought you would have come to visit.

To see your face.

But instead, now, I have to get used to never seeing it again.

Never.

How do I do that? Go from one to the other?

I remember, after talking to you in the morning, laying in bed, nuzzling my pillow and kind of stroking my sheets, thinking of you. Glowing from the love I felt, the happiness you brought me. I would curl into it.

Now I hate waking up. Even in the middle of the night, after I find myself just staring bug-eyed at nothing. Restless. Consumed with missing you even when I am not consciously thinking of it. Of anything.

Maybe you miss me. But not because you wish I was there. Just because I am not. I wish. I wish. I wish.

I don't even know what I would wish for. It has been so long.

For that Saturday back? That day that was the best and the worst. That you "changed your mind" about me? I think that is so unfair. That's what I did wrong here. What about all that you had done to get me there? That night, even. How do we overlook the lying you did even then. Told me you'd come over in an hour. Then never came. That is so creepy. Told me you were having a beer and painting. Just lies lies lies.

God why did you ever date me. Why did you ever get me back. Why did you try so hard. I was never it. Why did you EVER date me.

Just confused? Didn't know what you wanted? My whole life, my sense of self, my self esteem, my confidence in my future, my affection for my past, my plans, my life, oh that pile of wet dust that is my heart...kind of a high price to pay for your whim.

I don't know how to stop loving you.

I don't know how to stop missing you.

I don't know how to be ok with you have stopped.

I feel so lonely. So deep and rocky lonely.

I hate waking up.