I told you the truth. I ask you to face yourself honestly. To look your actions in the mirror and quit calling it "screwing up." It was assault. Maybe you can't see any bruises or abrasions, but I assure you, they are there. You knew that if you kept doing what you did, you risked our very lives. And now you have taken them.
No wonder I was loved less. I was the only one really honest with you. I was the only one who would look all your monstrous deeds in the face, call them monstrous, ask that you admit who and what you are, and then tried to love you anyway.
Niceness and love for you keeps others quiet about your demons. Gets them to clam up for fear of wrinkling your sensitivity. Let it be, it doesn't affect me. What I get from him is a really, really nice guy...so he must be.
I never was the right girl for you because I asked far too much of you. I went deeper than pleasant. But you don't do well with that. People look too close, you're 'fraid they might see something that makes them love you a little less. They would. They had one inkling of all that you have done to us? People WOULD see you differently. And I got that close. I saw all your shit. And I said, yes, I love this AS IS. I asked that we all be honest with ourselves about who we were, the bad deeds we have all done and then love each other for our truths.
And I did love you.
Little did I know that I would go so unloved for my reality. Even now, now that she has been exposed to this ugly demon inside of you, she can't call it by its name. You do love that she protects your nice-guy idea of yourself, gives up her own dignity and happiness and expectation of love that she deserves and throws in down on your demon so it still looks good. She will just powder it over, perfume it and believe it when it says she is the only one. She will call it love.
You two will live a lie. A happy lie, mostly, except when we all get to worrying about those demons we all prefer to ignore. You catch a glimpse of something questionable, but just turn back and focus your vision on that lie. A lie that I wish I had, since we are being honest. Because apparently, I think so little of myself that I wish I got the chance to settle for a nice, happy lie with someone I love. But so does she. I know, we have shared our painful fears and insecurities. The scars of this abuse.
Only she gets the chance to act on it. Pray god, pray god pray god that I can quit loving you. Pray god. That one day I don't wish that the one who got the offer, that feels so pretty and bright and right and like I just got the perfect person for me! Pray god that this gaping hole where my heart used to be closes.
Pray god pray god. for me. I am dying.
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