I never realized how not ok I am.

Turns out, that yes, you fucked me over. You messed with my mind, you played thoughtlessly with my well being. You did.

Turns out, though, that that is just the straw that broke the camel's back. I find no value or worth in anything about my life. I haven't for a long time. I keep trying to find ways to change it, to fix me, to fill whatever hole I can. I haven't.

I found you, though. I found you and in so found something I could pour my whole self into. No wonder you ran away. Someone told me today that I wanted it too much. They were right. I have only ever wanted to belong, even if that meant just with one person. And, for me, I found that in you.

So, for all that I have said about this situation, and it's all true...it just isn't the point. I am so sick, so deeply fucked up. So unhappy.

You never deserved that burden, no matter what. And nothing will ever work for me when I give it so much power. So much weight. Things break under that much weight.

I am so. fucked. up.

I truly feel no point, no goal, no desire, no joy.

I didn't before, I guess. And to some extent, I made you the answer. That isn't fair.

I am so so sorry.

I don't know how to change. I don't know what to change. I don't know what to do. I am so lost. I am so lost. I am so so so so lost.

I may have always been lost.

How do I go back far enough to fix this? Have I ever felt ok? I don't know how to undo something this big.

I feel like my life is over. And it seems so rational. I don't LOGICALLY understand how other people find self worth. From the people around you? That's clearly my problem, its the only answer I have ever known...and without it, I am so...adrift.

All I know right now is despair.

It is so ugly and dramatic and truly the only that I know. Despair.