I haven't listened to music since July 22.

I left Denver with hope in my heart, promises in pocket. So much attached to my music in my heart that I listened to the mix I made for you (oh that so long and so defining and emotional mix!) all the way to Kansas City, and just never looked back.

I was so scared. I was so afraid to be rock my own fragile emotional boat. I just avoided it. I have hardly written. I was doing my best just to hold myself, my mammoth fear and hope that are now the same emotion, together. Try not to crumble.

Now that I have anyway, I don't know when I will be able to plug in my iPod again. Ever.

I am a paralyzed. My favorite thing, my best outlet...is broken. I don't know how to use it safely anymore.