I will skip any real discussion on my own ridiculous, stupid and SUPER self-destructive desire to switch positions in this vile case, against EVERYONE's better judgement, we all know I would.
It isn't surprising at all, though, that that is not on the table. It's so much easier to salvage the relationship that is close by, that means touch and experience, not just words and the promises between one and a half people (you definitely do not count as a whole right now), which you now say were mostly meaningless to you anyhow. Never mind that they were my LIFE. Who gives a fuck about that? It is so much easier because if you can save it, you will save so much face. Keep together appearances.
It makes sense because she still has gone through this fewer times than me, she still has some ability to believe in you, and you and I both know that that has died in me. She will hear "I love you more." And believe it because SHE loves you. And for right now, for her ease of belief, for her convenience and proximity, because she is sweet above anything else rather than challenging you, because she is an ideal target of internalizing her pain and doubt and digesting into blind faith in you...you do. But you never have before. Not me, either, so I take no comfort in that. You started a life with her at the very moment you set about in earnest to make sure you didn't lose yours with me. Not much of a "more" situation there, it seems. We all know that if, in this particular situation of exposing who and what you are, if she and I hadn't talked so much, if this looked more like previous occasions of your insanely arrogant infidelity, that you would be making nice with me at the same time. And that most likely in that event, I too would eat it up. You would manage to make some nice with me and this whole charade would go on. Her and I lying to ourselves, you lying to everyone, but mostly yourself.
But for now, you just say, "I pick you." She believes it, despite SO much evidence to the contrary, out of fear, self-doubt, and, though I like her so much (seriously) stupidity. Because she loves you.
You will keep telling her that, because YOU love you. All of your actions have been dictated by your own needs, fears, and apparent mental imbalance. You have never taken an action to benefit those who you supposedly love. In fact, quite the opposite. Intentional, brazen deceptions to keep us both here, loving you, praising you, terrified to leave you.
And, for all the pain I know it causes you to hear this, and which I do not lightly inflict on you, you DO, in a very real sense of the word, ABUSE us.
Your words and actions, even as you are caught again and again, are distinctly manipulative. You happily throw down cards of "being screwed up" and "letting everyone down" and "hating yourself." You quickly shift the focus of the discussion from the things you have done that, by ANY standard of judgement, would indicate you are a bad, bad person. You shift it from that and into a mode where yet again we are assuring you, placating you, pointing out your good qualities.
You are so deep down narcissistic and needy, damaged from so many things, fractured, really that you don't even consciously differentiate between love and the abuse you have put us through, and will continue to put her through. Sounds like love, doesn't it? Subjecting someone who believed in you, supported you, and would have gone to the end of the earth for you to more pain, suspicion, and, most likely at some point, lies. I know that kind of love, I have been getting it for 9 months now. And I know her pain of attachment to it, inability to see that good love should never come with a second face that is so dark, hurtful and selfish.
You seek something to fill that ancient void in you in everything you do, your work, your family, even your art, which normally, at think once, was only a source of pride (in a good way!) of accomplishment, of expression and happiness. But so quickly you saw a way to turn that into yet another forum for praise and shallow love and worship. A way to feed your bottomless need to be liked. It will never end, you will always want more until you confront this ugly evil side of you. The only love that can fill that hole is your own, and as of now, not only do you not give it to yourself, you have no fucking clue what ANY love is like. Not from a giving end.
And if you love her even a but as much as you say you do, believe you do, TRY to do, really, you would fix yourself first. Try to. But I know that won't happen. It is not the nature of the emotional abuser to take a lot of time for self-examination. It's scary to see what you have become. Reminds you of people who have done you wrong who you never thought you would emulate. But look at you...
Look at us. We hate ourselves, we feel responsible, guilty, we think if only we had done, we had been, we had seen... We blindly make HORRIBLE decisions that will hurt us more and more, say it will be different this time, he didn't mean it, he really loves ME. We could be reading from an abuse victim's script.
She actually SAID to me, "Now I just have to decide if I can live with partial love--safe love. Partial love? You want her to settle for the love LEMON that you offer? Yes, you must care more for her happiness than your own. Sell her a beat up, low value car with a slick coat of paint, tell her its SAFE. Safe, how could that ever be achieved? You have never kept a single promise to either of us. Not the smallest, easiest truths. Safe.
And yet, for all this, for my distance and willingness to say the hard things about the person I have loved most in my whole life, my best friend, my favorite, my boo, my PERSON, my future up until Sunday, my past for so long, the only thing I have known for a year...for my role, I am punished, told I am less, and then forced to watch as, even though I am undeniably RIGHT about these things, you two go on.
I am supposed to say, well, I will get to have a better version of all this, I get to escape, she gets a liar a cheat a plain asshole. But I feel punished. I am told I am "not picked," that what we have had in the overlapping time...what, wasn't real? Just wasn't good enough? How can I not feel punished, exiled, worthless, loathesome, stupid, used.
How can, if that love was just a LIE, can I not feel like dying?
And if it was so sub-par, so false and so...worthless, why not take one of the hundreds of chances you had to let me go? I gave them to you ALL THE TIME. Asked that if you just wanted to see her, to be with her, just let me go.
Again, you just helped yourself.
And now, we all take a loss, but mine is here, alone and wretched and fooled. Devalued. Just told that who I was was never who I was. I was just a crutch. I was nothing. Am nothing. Even to a manipulative coward like you, whom I loved so deeply despite your flaws, it is horrible to be nothing.
Nothing.
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